Although everyone goes through different struggles, today we’d like to share a meaningful story that we hope inspires others to know that they are not alone. Here is Cortnie Clarke's journey of healing and self-discovery.
Question: Where did your curves come from?
Answer: SELF LOVE
You guys ready for a soul spill?
Over the last few months I’ve been getting a lot of questions and compliments about my body and boobs. “Yes, they are real...I grew them myself with the power of self-love” has been my typical answer, but it’s so much deeper than that. Here’s the story...
When I was 25 I went off of birth control after being on it since I was 16. I was prescribed it by a doctor for my acne and didn’t know any better so I listened and took it for 9 years. After going off of it, years went by and I couldn’t get a period. I saw doctor after doctor and they all told me there was nothing wrong. Then after waiting 3 years, I got in to see a highly renowned fertility doctor. He ran all the tests and told me the same thing that Chinese Medicine doctors, tea leaf readers and psychics had...it was my mind and fear. His words: “your pituitary gland won’t let you ovulate due to childhood trauma; you’re afraid to get pregnant.”
The trauma was that my dad left when I was 5. I was in shock that a doctor I waited 3 years to see told me the same thing a tea leaf reader did; “you can’t get your period because you’re too afraid of abandonment.” I was told I would never be able to ovulate on my own because my mind was too powerful and the trauma too deep. I refused to believe it. I knew I’m my gut that I could heal and my body could do what it’s meant to do without drugs. After that I went on a very long inner journey of self-discovery and healing.
For the majority of the following 8 years I was on a rollercoaster of self-hate and self-love. For the majority of it I was stuck somewhere in between, telling myself I was only worthy if I made everyone else happy. I put all of my energy into pleasing others and none into myself. I was convinced if I didn’t put everyone else first, I’d have no value. I took courses and trainings, read all the self-help books, and did everything I could to help others see their worth and the magic I saw in them, but I wasn’t able to fully accept and embrace my own. Every year I got closer, but never close enough, to fully surrendering to feeling worthy of my own love and trust, until...
July of 2018. It happened, it was time, everything shifted. I surrendered to the fact that I couldn’t abandon myself any more. I committed to trusting myself and putting my healing first. That’s what I did for the last year; I nourished myself. I spoke my truth, embraced my magic and found my power. I learned the art of being alone. I fell in love with myself. My own self-mastery became my deepest purpose.
Two days after I made this soul deep commitment I got my period, the one I had been waiting for, for 11 years, which I’m thrilled to say has come every month for a year! Finally feeling like my body was actually doing what it’s designed to do has been the most empowering and challenging experience, which came with its gifts and struggles. Yes, one of those gifts is boobs as well as actually discovering my feminine essence does exist. But having to surrender and let my entire body change was a daily test of my commitment to LOVE my body no matter how it looks.
Every month as things changed, tests and triggers came up and I stayed so rooted in my commitment that it became more empowering than challenging over time. I felt for the last year like I was going through puberty. Seriously, EVERYTHING changed. It was hard sometimes to look in the mirror because I barely recognized myself and seeing photos of myself was crazy hard for a while. As much as I wanted to embrace my new more feminine shape, I had to be gentle with myself and give it time. Two decades of body dysmorphia doesn’t just disappear, so all I could do was take it one day at a time.
To add to the challenge my relationship was ending and my external world was chaos. I was put through every test imaginable, but I kept choosing myself. I spoke my truth, listened to my heart and I continued to RISE even when it felt easier to fall.
Through all the chaos and transformation I found my strength and gained such a deep and unshakable self-love that I know I will never go back. I will love my body no matter its shape and I refuse to settle for anything that doesn’t align with my frequency and raise my vibration.
Anything is possible. TRUST your inner knowing, divine timing and the process.
The secret ingredient is SELF-LOVE.
-Cortnie
